Indiana Jones and the Review From Me.

This weekend I watched Indiana Jones and the Dial Of Destiny and like anyone else on the internet I felt that it was my right, nay my duty to review it. I can get away with this because nobody really cares what I put in my blog thus no negative feedback. Since the movie came out in theaters in June and on streaming a week ago I figure people have seen it so this post will be full of spoilers. Advance at your own discretion. 

 The film opens during the collapse of the Third Reich in 1944, or as I like to call it 

Indiana Jones and the Facelift Of CGI

Indy has been captured by the Germans and is about to be hanged, but is saved by a bomb attack, or as I like to call it: 

 Indiana Jones and the Escape Scene From The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

The Germans are loading stolen loot onto a train bound for Berlin. Indy sneaks on board because he's looking for The Lance of Longinus or The Spear of Destiny, you know, the artifact from the movie Constantine (that featured Shia LaBeouf) or as I like to call it:

 Indiana Jones and the Easter Eggs From Another Movie

(note, Indiana Jones Meets Constantine is a movie I would pay to watch)

It turns out that there is an even more valuable artifact on the train, The Antikythera otherwise known as The Dial Of Destiny. It is a device created by the Greek mathematician and engineer Archimedes that guides you to wormholes through time. Archimedes considered it so dangerous that he smashed it into a thousand pieces and destroyed all evidence of his work. I'm kidding, he broke it into two parts and hid it leaving behind a bunch of clues or as I like to call it:

 Indiana Jones and the Plot From Hudson Hawk

Anyhow the Germans on the train realize there is a bullet hole through Indy's jacket and try to stop him, however he keeps making miraculous escapes because they can't figure out how to get through locked doors. Meanwhile his partner, Basil Shaw, just happens to get the Dial and then a really really really really long fight scene breaks out between Indy, a German officer and the German Scientist who wants the dial, while pretty much the entire Allied Air Corps attacks the train including dropping bombs directly onto it, or as I like to call it:

Indiana Jones and the Train That Defies The Laws Of Physics

Seriously, the train bridge is bombed and even though it's is going full speed only the engine crashes and none of the cars derail. So after a long long long long fight scene Basil and Indy escape. 

Fast forward 25 years and Indy is a burned out, about to retire professor teaching the exact same ancient Greek history lesson he's given a hundred times to a bunch of disinterested college students. Considering this is suppose to be 1969 you'd think the students would be arguing with the old professor about the glorification of war and the squandering of the budget on military weapons but instead they just want to go see the Moon astronauts. Lets be honest, the reason the students are seen as disinterested is because they are suppose to represent the modern audience or as I like to call it:

 Indiana Jones Meets Gen X

This is when Helena, professor Shaw's daughter, shows up, or as I like to call her:

 Indiana Jones and I Hope This Isn't Who They Got To Replace Him

Anyhow the bad guys also show up and in order to get the Dial the German scientist wants no witnesses so the henchmen randomly start shooing university personal, naturally Helena gets away with the Dial and Indy gets accused of committing the murders, or as I like to call it:

Indiana Jones and the Plot Of Three Days Of The Condor

(btw, you should really check out Three Days Of The Condor, it's a great thriller featuring Robert Redford in his prime)

Anyhow Indy gets captured by the bad guys but escapes into a parade leading to a really really really long chase scene (at one point he's riding a horse through the subway, no seriously), or as I like to call it:

Indiana Jones and the Easter Egg From Another Movie Part II

(note, it's the parade that is the Easter Egg, not the horse)

Indy runs into Salla, who moved to NYC during WWII, and not only does he save Indy but he also just happens to have the very information that Indy needs about how Helena is going to a specific hotel in Tangier to hold a black market antiques auction (even though she just got the Dial less than 12 hours earlier) or as I like to call it:

 Indiana Jones and the Not So Coincidental Cameo

Jones goes to Tangier to recover the Dial before Helena can sell it and while there he meets her sidekick, a kid with a back story so familiar that he could have been called:

 Indiana Jones and Shortround 2.0

Indy shows up at the auction and even though he's outgunned he manages to escape and goes on a really really really long and wild car chase scene, or as I like to call it:

 Indiana Jones and the Oh So Convenient Alley Escapes

(The problem is that it goes on for so long that I drifted off and stopped paying attention so I lost track of who had the Dial)

The bad guys get away with the device but they get captured by the CIA, however they shoot their way out and then go after Indy who just happens to be in the middle of the Aegean Sea, or as I like to call it:

Indiana Jones and the What? Do They Have Some Kind Of 1969 GPS Tracker Or Something Because How Else Could They Find A Boat In the Middle Of The Aegean?

Anyhow the good guys recover a clue from a sunken Roman boat that leads them to the next part of the Dial but the bad guys have seized the boat and killed everyone, so Helena gives them bad directions based on the clue Archimedes left behind, or as I like to call it:

Indiana Jones and the Plot Of National Treasure

Then Indy and Helena escape in what I like to call:

Indiana Jones and Dynamite Doesn't Work That Way

Indy and Helena jump onto the bad guy's boat leaving them behind but the German Scientist manages to deduce where they are really going by watching the direction they sail off in or what I like to call:

Indiana Jones and the Conveniently Slow Sinking Boat That Had A Stick Of Dynamite Go Off Below Deck

Indy and Helen figure out they have to go to the lost tomb of Archimedes in Sicily, or as I like to call it:

Indiana Jones and The Plot Of Tomb Raider 

The bad guys just happen to show up and grab the kid. So Indy and Helena have to get to the tomb, find all the clues, get past the obstacles and recover the second part of the Dial first, or as I like to call it:

Indiana Jones and the "I'm To Old For This Shit"

The bad guys show up and manage to get all the parts of the Dial and set their evil plan into motion or as I like to call it:

Indiana Jones and Beyond The Edge Of The Suspension Of Disbelief

Unbelievable stuff happens and then Indy wakes up back in 1969, followed by:

Indiana Jones and the Cameo We All Saw Coming Because We Saw Star Wars part 7.

There are no post credit scenes. 

Anyhow in the end when they get to the conclusion of the bad guy's plans we find that this whole thing could have been called:

Indiana Jones and the OMG! Amy Farrah Fowler Was Right, If Indy Had Stayed Home The Conclusion Of The Bad Guy's Plan Would Have Been The Same.

So my final review of:

Indiana Jones and I Hope They Fired The Editor Who Needed To Cut The 154 Minutes Run Time With Shorter Chase Scenes, Fight Scenes, Cave Exploration Scenes And So Forth.

is it's not a bad film and it's better than The Crystal Skull, but it's too long, lack the humor the original three films had and quite frankly I would have rather watched a movie with a younger actor playing Indy in a much more interesting adventure than some attempt to create The Next (Female) Indiana Jones in order to play to Modern Sensibilities and deliver The Message that Hollywood thinks audiences want, all classic Male action heroes need to be replaced by Women. All things considered I don't think we'll be seeing another sequel but if we do we can be assured that it will probably be like where the Pink Panther series went after Peter Sellers passed away. 

So that's my review. Now I think I'll go watch a couple of episodes of The Simpsons.